I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
