why didn't you poke me back
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize