went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize