I think I won the penis lottery.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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