I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
