i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
