At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
