somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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