I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have aggressive nipples.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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