its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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