i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
