I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
