my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
