I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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