I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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