When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
