I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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