a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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