Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
