I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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