he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
