i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
