New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
