my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
