HIV tests are more positive than that guy
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
