his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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