i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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