my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
