and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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