dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
