I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
