The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
