My hand turned me down
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
