I think I won the penis lottery.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
