Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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