ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
