I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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