In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
