its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
