i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize