so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
