he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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