We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
