I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
pray to the hookup gods
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
