When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
