Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
