last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
