I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Four minutes until I can fart!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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