Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
