is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
