Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
