Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
