a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
wow bdsm is so cute
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
