I faked an abortion last night.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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