fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
