You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I died a long time ago.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
