Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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