Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
