She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
